Sibling Rivalry

Having a new baby is such an exciting time. Both you and the baby get so much attention from family and friends and you can enjoy cuddling your new arrival and getting to know her.  However, your older child may have different ideas.  You may have spent nine months trying to prepare her for being a big sister, but the reality of it can be disappointing.  She was probably expecting a sibling she could play with or make laugh, but when she finally arrives she spends most of her time crying or on mum’s lap.  Suddenly there’s not nearly as much attention as there was and even grandparents can’t get enough of the new arrival. Some children can feel very upset at being pushed out by the new baby. It’s no wonder then that your older child may have a few difficulties adjusting.

All children react in different ways. Some show it by being aggressive to the new baby, where as others appear to love the baby, but suddenly become aggressive towards their parents. Some children regress and act younger than they are and demand dummies, bottles or if they’ve been dry, can start wetting again. Other children display attention seeking behaviour, particularly when the baby is being fed or getting some other form of attention from parents. 

Preparation

If your child is old enough to understand, it worth trying to prepare her for the new arrival.  Just make sure you talk about the negatives as well as the positives.  When talking about the good things about the baby also let her know that the baby will cry a lot and take up much of your time. For some children, not matter how much you prepare them, a new baby in the family can still be a big shock. Try not to make any other changes at this time eg, starting playschool or moving house, as this will just unsettle her further.

Helpful tips

Your child will need extra reassurance that she is still loved, but also needs to shown which behaviours you won’t tolerate. 

When the new baby is sleeping spend time with your older child. Just playing simple games or reading is fine, and when dads around, take it turns to hold the baby and play with the older child.  It’s too easy to get into the routine of mum always with baby and dad with the older child.  She needs attention from both of you.

Don’t get drawn into giving attention for bad behaviour. Often she will be doing things just to get a reaction from you, so by reacting to her, she is getting what she wants and in effect you are rewarding her for the bad behaviour. Some things you can’t ignore, for example if she hurting the baby.  But even if this happens, don’t over react.  Let her know that you don’t like it when she does it and maybe just give her 2 minutes of time out. The more attention she gets, the more likely she is to repeat the behaviour.   As much as possible ignore negative behaviour.

It’s important that your child knows that it’s the behaviour that’s bad, not her and that she is a good girl. Children who are constantly told they are naughty, will start to believe it and will behave badly.

Take every opportunity to praise her.  If she kisses the baby or even is just sat playing quietly, let her know she is being good.
Try and include your older child in the care of the baby. Encourage her to fetch things for you or talk to the baby and then give her lots of praise and attention for doing so.  If she won’t help, don’t comment and maybe just talk about what you’re doing with baby, so she feels included.

Be patient with her, it may take some time for her to adjust.